Roller Derby Finals--DLF! DLF! DLF!

The Rat City Rollergirls final was tonight, and I am pleased to announce that my beloved Derby Liberation Front claimed the title of league champions. I'd like to say that the result was not surprising, but honestly, I didn't know if the DLF could overthrow the mighty Throttle Rockets. In a strange twist of fate, I was watching The Godfather Part II on AMC today, which, in part, dramatizes the overthrow of the Cuban government by Castro's Marxist revolution. Michael Corleone sees a Cuban revoutionary on the street blow himself up and take a military officer with him. When he witnesses this dedication to the cause, he decides not to invest in Cuba, and that even though everyone thinks that the revolutionaries are hopelessly overmatched, he now thinks that they can win.

That's how I felt watching the girls of DLF tonight. Down by as much as 13 and down six at the half--everyone thought it was over. Throttle Rockets fans were looking smug, and even my own wife began taunting me for backing the wrong horse. Then the DLF pulled the equivalent of taking Havana.

Let me 'splain:

Early on in the bout, the Throttle Rockets were both kicking ass and taking names. Darth Skater pulled off a nice jam, as did Valtron. DLF couldn't seem to get out of the gates. Kim Reaper's first Jam looked great, but when the score was tallied, she got a whopping 1 point (you get points subtracted for team penalties--that's the only reason I could think of). The Throttle Rockets weren't really running away with it--DLF's defense was good, especially Kitty Kamikaze who was actually penalized for making some good hits--but the DLF just couldn't score. They barely used Burnett Down in the first half, and when she did jam, she, like Kim, looked good, but scored low.

At the half, things looked pretty desperate for my guerilla gals. They managed to chip away at the 13 point lead, bringing it down to six (largely due to the consistent jamming of Hideous Braxley), but the DLF--which is not exactly an offense powerhouse, was stuck with a meager 18 points at the half.

I tried to relax. I got a beer. I watched with some surprise as Grave Danger smacked down the Sockit Wenches by more than 20 points in the consolation game. I'm harsh on GD, but they really did play and excellent bout. Femme Fatale is still their brightest star (and she kicked ass on Saturday at both jammer and pivot) but I was also impressed with Basket Casey as a defender. I'm not sure where the scrappy, crazy Sockit Wenches jammers went (Miss Fortune only jammed once in the second half by my count), but hats off to GD for simply wanting it more and being the better team. Also, they ended the bout with an all out "brawl" where all of the skaters lovingly tackled each other and then hugged and shook hands. Now that's sportsmanship!

Finally--the main event. 14 minutes for all the marbles. Or some trophy. I actually don't think that there were any actual marbles involved. Anyway . . .

Un-F-ing believable. Hideous Braxley closed the gap a bit more with a nice jam. The DLF was chipping away at the lead, and then . . .

THE JAM OF THE YEAR. Hands down. The best.

We were all speculating about why Burnett Down was on the bench so much in the first half. She was out there in practically every jam of the semis. She absolutely carried the DLF in the semis. I'll admit to being a little pissed at the half when I thought that they were under-using her. We tossed around the "maybe they're saving her for the second half" excuse. All I can say is that if that was the plan, whoever came up with it should get the Nobel Prize for roller derby.

Burnett Down stepped onto the track and delivered the most amazing performance of the year. She jammed through the Throttle Rockets like they weren't even there. She went through the pack cleanly and was lead Jammer before anybody even knew what was happening. She then proceeded to lap the pack THREE TIMES--with no penalties, and staying in bounds. 15 points in one Jam. Burnett got some excellent help from her blockers, and some great whips, but it was like watching some ballerina in body armor dance around the track. Everyone who hit her bounced off, and I'm pretty sure that she couldn't have gone any faster if she were alone out there.

And it was a team effort, too, with excellent defense. How many did the Throttle Rockets score in this jam?--I've got to do some math . . . carry the one . . . square root of . . . OH YEAH, ZERO!The DLF defense was stifling. I think it was Astroglide who was jamming--I could be wrong, since I couldn't look away from the apotheosis that was Burnett Down--but whoever the poor Throttle Rocket was, she was getting nowhere fast, and was probably getting dizzy watching Burnett skate circles around her.

An amazing 15 point swing in one jam. Honestly, I don't remember a 15 point jam since the second or third bout when defense wasn't . . . um . . . such a priority. Certainly not in the finals. Certainly not against the Throttle Rockets. Certainly not a 15-0 jam.

How do you respond to that if you're the Throttle Rockets? Inexplicably, they responded with Strobe Lightning at jammer. Nothing against her, but when your season is slipping away, and you've got a bench that features Darth Skater, Valtron 3000, Dirty Little Secret, and a host of other super-jammers, why spread the wealth? The results were predictable with DLF widening their lead (I think it was Hideous Braxley or Sybil Unrest at jammer).

Finally, the Throttle Rockets, now down by double digits, finally brought out Darth Skater to try and close the gap a little. In my opinion, she should have been out there right after Burnett's mega-jam, but better late than never. Darth got off to a good start, but she ran into a pretty tough cookie at pivot for DLF--that's right ladies and gentlemen--say it with me, "Burnett Down." It looked like the DLF strategy was something like this:

DLF Coach: Burnett, do you see Darth over there?
Burnett: Yes.
DLF Coach: Get her!

And "get her" Burnett did, with a combination of great blocking moves, a few illegal grabs and take downs, and one unbelievable wallop that was actually kind of scary (perhaps foreshadowed by the above picture of the the two of them). Darth was down for a few minutes and had to be helped off. When they picked her up right in front of where we were sitting, there was pain in her eyes---Some of it was undoubtedly physical, but mostly, she knew that she might have to leave the big bout with her team on the ropes, and that really, really sucked. It happened right in front of me, and I and most of the Throttle Rocket fans that I was sitting with thought it was a clean hit. Still, no one wanted it to happen that way--you watch sports to see the best take on the best, not to watch the best limp off.

But without Darth's scoring ability (and she's a hell of a blocker/pivot too), the next few minutes were painful for TR fans. The DLF ran up the lead, and frustrated TR jammers couldn't break through DLF's big blockers. Darth did heroically return for the last 2 minutes, but she was at about 3/4 speed, and didn't have the time or the energy to make a dent in the lead.

DLF won, and won big. Burnett Down continues to be my overall choice for MVP of the world. She is the ONLY skater in the RCRGs that can change the game singlehandedly. She always comes through when DLF needs her, and tonight, in the biggest event in the short history of this young league, she ran the table and pitched a perfect game. Hats off to this towering Amazon. The program tonight said that her "day job" is as a bartender. I'm sure she pours a mean drink, but she was clearly made to skate, and it's a pleasure to watch her in her true calling--kicking ass and skating fast.

What a ride! Thanks RCRGs. You're all my heroes. I don't know what I'll do to amuse myself until March, but you have at least one EXTREMELY satisfied fan. See you in 2006!

--Tinfoil Out.